Disillusionment

Its been a while since i last made a post.

Been very busy with exams and Job.

First time im blogging to take my mind of things.
My situation in life is like being trapped in a maze. There are lots of ways and every path leads to a goal, but i can only reach one goal when there are many to be achieved and whichever goals i neglect will land me in hot water with others.

My Situation: My sis had a baby girl on Jan 18, she had a C-section so she cant climb stairs. My mom who is a lecturer in a college has taken leave till feb.24 to take care of sis and baby. My bro in law is from bombay and he comes to town when his job allows him (he works in bombay too). My father is a surgeon and he has a lot of health problems. My mother too is afflicted with arthritis and rheumatism in knees. And 2 days ago my grandma (moms mom) is diagnosed with breast cancer. Today the report says that the cancer is malignant and initial findings suggest that the cells are already in the bloodstream. BIG PROBLEM, now chemo and other radiation therapy is imminent. My grandma has nvr been hospitalised and she is not the kind of person who is of strong mind to withstand pain. Ive seen ppl who are stong willed being reduced to a shadow coz of chemo, it is very difficult. My mom is the only daughter and she is having pressure from all relatives who do nothin but find fault with others. They dont help out, they just sit on their couches and call my mom and tell her that she should do more, and talk among themselves and say that my mom is not takin cre of grandma. My grandma lives alone in her house which is 3 km frm my hse, she doest want to let go of the house evn though we tried to tell her to live with us after grandfathers death 2 yrs ago. Even if she does come here, we only have one bedroom on the ground floor, so it would be difficult to accomodate a person who has an operation and also radiation therapy is a room where there is a baby.And i have been trying to get into one of the top-20 B-schools in the country for 3 years, this year i finally got some interview calls, i only expected them to come in march but like a bolt from the blue, my first one is on Feb.17, along with this i have work as a marketing manager of my company, atleast i have some projects in my hometown, so at present i am @ home. There are some probs on the personal front too which is something im not evn thinkin about now, but it is also important.

My options:
1. Act oblivious to the situation @ home and continue with job and prepration for the interviews. My father sacrificed a lot of his career aspirations coz of resposnsibility towards parents, and he has been trying hard to insulate me from all this, obviously its every father's dream to see his son do well.

2. Take responsibility of taking care of grandma (in which i hav constraints as a male) and let my preparation suffer.

3. Taking care of the baby and sis and lettin mom go and stay with grandma which i dont think my mom is willing to do. And taking care of the baby is a lot harder.

4. Take leave from job, which would be unfair to company since they dont have their head of marketing due to his marriage. Already the company has given me everything in suport for my MBA aspirations which companies generally dont do.

Im just recaping a statement made by my mom today "Grandma is such a nice person, a good soul, why did this have to come to her". OK, i agree that this is a cliched statement but this happening to her at this moment in time is hard, most hardest for my mom. I always felt that there is a higher power, which most people call by the name GOD, though i dont believe in religion. 2008 was my worst year, coz of a lot of issues on the personal front, my life was in tatters at the end of 2008, and i had just picked myself up and learnt to cope with all the difficulties and challenges. Now this has caused me to have a total disullionment with the motives of God.

Is this a test? How the hell am i supposed to pass!!

"Life is really unfair, If it wasnt it would be called heaven" – Madhav :)

Emotional knapsack

Some questions were bubbling in my mind since whenever.

 

how do you trust somebody? how do you get somebody to trust you?

 

why is it so hard to confide in someone? how do you become someone's confidante?

 

when do you know its love? how do you know its love?

 

What I know is when you trust somebody, you confide in them. When you confide in them, you get involved. Once you start confiding you are testing the other fellow… their response, sensibility and ability to be a vault and all that stuff. That’s how you decide if it’s good to trust them or not.
If they are good enough to be trusted with your emotions they are good to be your partner.

 

I mean though it requires a lot of other stuff, but basically you need to connect on one level more than physical. Emotional...! If he/she's trustworthy that means he/she responds, is sensible enough and keeps your personal life personal. You like that. Humans by nature live in groups. Can’t do alone… they need somebody by their side. Now that you have found one it opens path for further emotions. Then you are bonded. You look for further enhancements in the relationship.

 

If it suits all your personal/physical needs, you get attracted. Its unintentional. You don’t go around weighing what you have got. If for once it clicks, you see a possibility and you try for it. Eventually if all goes right you find yourself in love.

And you go on with it trying, exploring. Once you reach a position where no matter what happens you always seem to get the peace with your partner, you miss them on every occasion possible, you keep thinking about him/her, blabber senseless stuff but more often than not your he/she is the protagonist, you can’t seem to go on one day without talking to him/her... that means you are in love.

And it works the same way for the others too, though relative, the process is the same. To the best of my knowledge… Conditions apply.

BUT

What if any of that goes missing, Trust or confiding or love?

What then? How do you tell yourself to improve? You don’t know what is going wrong.

You are not aware of the shortcoming. Was it all real? Was it all good?

Is that how it’s supposed to be? Or there should be a moster.com for love too?

What if you have the perfect match and it can't get any better than this?

How would you sort it out?

 

Watchya gonna do about that???

First update from 09!

Me'lady lives in Mangalore, :D ,and its where my maternal grandparents live, so i've been a regular at Mangalore.
I was there only last week, and i noticed a few things that i had'nt paid too much attention to.
It was only the second time that i went there alone, so i was more concious of the surroundings. Previously when i used to go there with ma, i'd be blissfully unaware of anything, but then, trust me, Mangalore's changed tremendously from the sleepy slow city that i knew as a kid. The local buses are privatised, so there are hell lot of buses running from everywhere to everywhere else. So there was fierce competition among buses to get there first. Since the bus service is so good, other vehicles were hardly seen, except for the lone motorist occasionally. fast forward ten years, and we now have a cosmopolitan-as-hell Mangalore, with income flowing in from the Gulf and everywhere else. This has resulted in a tremendous increase in the number of private vehicles, and the worst part is that the number of buses as increased as well! So, on the same roads, there are buses and cars and what not too... This has resulted in the mess that is the traffic in Mangalore today.

I'm feeling a bit math-y today so let me try and sum up the situation by help of an equation:

butt-on-fire bus drivers+young guns in the hot seat+messed up roads=mayhem+a good chance that you'll get killed.

Lame, i know, but i never really WAS good at math... he he.

So bottom line is, avoid driving in Mangalore if you're not a local. You'll get killed.
On second thoughts, avoid crossing the roads during the day too. The bus drivers dont seem to regard pedestrians a reason strong enough to slow down for. :|

On the personal front, i've been very jobless lately sitting at home doing nothing, uselessy texting people useless things and spoiling the peace in the world.

gotta go, mom's hollering for dinner.

Raju bhai Raju bhai YES PAPA?

doing fraud? NO PAPA!

telling lies? NO PAPA!

open your account book! :D

Tracing down memory lane...

I seem to be looking at my shadows,

The ones the world cannot see, but I can.

A question still happens to perplex me,

Is that a shadow or an image of me?

Like a rookie from the lanes of an imaginary circus,

He came into my life expecting nothing,

Nothing but a pass into my thoughts,

I laughed, if only I knew where the access lies.

Then I secretly mined my way,

Into the forbidden fortress of my past,

Tears gushed out, I broke my personalised dam.

I laughed, shocked, confused, happy and delighted.

Then I thought about my childhood,

They one I so much tried to hide and ignore,

I saw holes, the damamge was done,

My own life unfolded full of cracks.

There! I remember those fields!

That park full of magical creatures!

Stealing mangoes from my neighbour's yard,

How one of us got caught!!!

Mother and Grandmother feeding us,

Ah! Those specifications I demanded for,

Grandmother's stren denail,

My very own dharna...

I wondered why I ran away from me.

It then revealed itself slowly,

The monster that hid behind those times,

And I sat down devastated, lost.

Should I curse myself for taking that trip?

What did I expect to uncover?

Those pearls from my past were paste,

I knew that, what then did I want?

That put my life on pause,

I repeated to myself, forget, forget,

forget, forget, forget, and forget.

I hid myself from those eyes reading me.

I ran to my future, the one in my dreams,

Never again to turn back and too scared to look.

Lucky Boy….!

My confirmation is due. I’m completing one year in the company. I’ll now be a confirmed employee with higher pay and “trainee” removed from my designation. This is a process which my Project Leader has to initiate. There’s a link which appears in his workflow page which he has to initiate. It’s done for all associates who joined the company with me. Only 2 days remaining to complete the process. But for me... there’s no link appearing…!

I order maggie noodles. As per general knowledge, it takes 2 mins to prepare it. After waiting for 45 mins I call the canteen and cancel the order. Within two mins of the call the maggie appears out of nowhere. All set to go out, I’ve left my seat with my backpack clinging on to my shoulders, standing in the middle of the passageway to the exit. The waiter has handed me the bowl. I’m eating the Maggie there like some malnourished kid who just got food from heaven. People staring, I’m embarrassed.

Lunch time next day, I see one of my colleague has ordered “Chole Bhature”. I am tempted. I cajole one of my friends into eating it with me and order it from the canteen. Impatiently I finish my tiffin, eagerly waiting for the dish to arrive. Half an hour from the order, the waiter comes to tell me that “Chole” as finished. I think I’ll die famished.

My reliance phone’s battery is out. I plug the charger in the phone, find a socket, plug in the charger and boom. It explodes…! Like some preplanned controlled explosion to take away the power plant without affecting the city. Everybody’s looking at me. I can’t stop staring at the smoke coming out of the charger.

Finally my confirmation has been initiated. But it’s pending with my Group Leader. For the last 22 hours 30 mins. Today is the last day to complete the process.

I come home. Thinking, it’d be a god idea to get my old Nokia phone fixed. It’s got a broken strip wire and hence no display. I buy a new wire along with a charger for my reliance phone. It costs me Rs. 130 INR. I get home all excited, get my phone, screwdriver (4 mouthed) and start unscrewing the phone. There are two screws. One’s broken from top and stuck into the phone. Other has got its grooves blunted. The screwdriver is slipping over it. It’s jammed in too. I put my gymming at work. Somehow, with great embarrassment to all the people with an IQ over 110, I put in the strip just to find that the phone has stopped working completely. That’s 14 Gs down the drain. Plus i manage to break the Swiss Knife i was using to unscrew it (Dont aks me how).

 

I was sad, irritated and frustrated, such a bad ending to the year (Last 2 days). Then I was told that it happens. Shit happens. It’s not my fault. And I’ve got to be cheerful. Well damn right. I had no control over it and there’s no point sulking. Just need a little bit time to get over the overwhelming.

This is just a log. Doesn’t mean that I‘m sad or irritated. I’m rather sarcastically funny about it. Ask my colleagues and friends. They just can’t stop laughing.

 

Happy New Blah Blah Blah everybody…..!

A Love Note...

I thought I'll take a shot at writing a love letter... Love,

I know it hasn’t been long that I left you (five minutes now?) but u see every single moment since then I kept thinking about all that I am missing out in those five minutes!
I don’t know what it means to just sit there and look at your face…
I think I know what you would be doing right now, going through that book shelf again, looking for one of those books on PHOTOGRAPHY, and did you know there’s this magical smile which spreads on your lips every time you find something new? So cute!
I hope you do remember that your cup of coffee is on the study table, but I am so sure that I’ll come back and find it there, untouched. Meanwhile you would go about reading the book, and then time for work.
Like a little child you sit down and write in your magical world! I left the curtains open, so the reflection from the pool would lighten up the room creating more magic around you. Its time now, you put the leash on Devil, take your wallet from the cupboard, get your car keys and there you go to pick Aurora up from school. I am so sure she fought with someone other kid today, she was telling me about a boy in class who teases her, I think she likes him!
So where would u go now?
Ah! I know the fast food joint, I miss these little meals you get to have with her sometimes, and she’s such a treasure…
Then the both of you make a detour to the bookstore; pick up a comic book for the bed time story, grab a few of your hallmark pencils and head back home. Time for Aurora to have a nap and for you to get back to your work…
It’s nearly time now! I may be back home any moment, I can see you trying to make her study, and I guess you better resolve to the original practise and make her act. The door bell rings and there’s a flurry of activity inside, I can hear Devil barking like crazy… and there you are!

See baby its been twenty minutes now and I spent a whole day with you, I calculated the other day and on the total I would have around 27 such days I can spend with you… but to think of it, this wait isn’t very painful… I know that deep down you are thinking about me too, just as I am about you.

Missing you…
I love you.

Jam.....

I was readIng a novel around a year ago. "A bag of bones" by Stephen KIng. The protagonIst there was a wrIter and I swear to the Holy Cows he suffered from , what they call a "WrIter's Block" for around 120 pages. 

It was a major task belIeve me, to get past those 120 pages. I slogged day and nIght for hIm to get over hIs dead wIfe and start wrItIIng. By the one hundredth page I thought I was suffeIng from a "Reader's Block". I couldn't go on a step further. But then I saw 'Courage the Cowardly Dog' on CN and I was InspIred. I went ahead wIth It and found out that the guy fInds a new babe wIth a kId In the country. 

Well the story really took off from there. WIth a lots of twIsts and turns and a lot of "Spooky" actIon It had a bIttersweet endIng. 

Why am I tellIng you all thIs?? I don't really know. I've been held on GunPoInt to wrIte somethIng. There's a lot goIng on at present... 

1) IndIa Is on a wInnIng streak agaInst England In the ODI serIes. 

2) Its almost December and I've not yet seen wInter. One of the reasons I don't lIke B'bay. Btw Its been almost a year and a half... :( 

3) "Job's a joke n I'm broke" Is to be the background lIne of my professIonal lIfe. 

4) I've been very 'happy happy gay gay' sInce quIte a few months now... but then "Dostana" released... and I've been very 'happy happy' sInce quIte a few months now. 

5) I celebrated my bIrthday a few days back. StartIng It wIth a lovely wIsh, to cuttIng pastrIes to openIng gIfts to recIvIng awesome testImonIal to goIng out wIth a frIend to a dInner wIth the famIly. 

6) I've been actIng very "out of the normal" these days. *detaIls not to be gIven* 

7) Bombay (btw I lIke It better than MumbaI) Is under a terrorIst attack. Its been more than 24 hours and the fIght Is stIll on. Its stupId and horrIble. The bIggest terrorIst attack on IndIa tIll date. 

8) I'm excIted about a lot of stuff, and more excIted about the others. 9) I'm tryIng to wrIte but I dunno why.. I can't.. MIght be sufferIng from a "WrIter's Block"...!!! 

Just thought you should know.. 

Btw... How ya doIn...?

Peer Pressure

Its not somethin you read about in books

Its bigger meaner and a lot worser than it looks

You often don't recogonize

The simplest forms of this

cause the pressure's almost always disguised.

"Go on. Take a smoke"

Thats not peer pressure

We're not dumb enough to dope

"Cancel plans with your mom

Go with us instead"

A Seemingly insignificant sentence.

But darlings, thats peer pressure

'Talk to her or hang out with us'

We're given the choice

we still don't know who to trust

Friends or family?

The decision's impossible.

But thats what we're expected to make.

Now tell me

Why are we quiet about this

Almost making it seem like its acceptable

"Forget that look,

you look bad.

Don't bother us with your poems

They're always about when you feel sad"

That may not be sentences from our friends

But its pressure anyway

Cause our talents are supprsesed

Our dreams are pulled away

Cobwebs...

Everyone has deep dark secrets in life which would slowly, secretly, at intervals, grow onto them like a shadow less parasite, sketching itself onto your present, so it not only affects your past but also your present and if not destroyed, your future.
What is this ghost which threatens our conscious? Why do we have to hide it away in the attics of memory and try to forget it forever? Why should we do anything which would allow itself to turn into our Achilles’ heel? After all every fear is a weakness and every weakness our personal enemy.
So where does this feeling of guilt, regret, or sorrow come from? Is it unconscious acceptance of your conscious mistakes? Well how do we cope up with these tiny little issues? I think a good way is by letting it all out! Write a song, an article (like I am trying to) paint something which would represent your past and would thus make it an attic outside your memory frame.
Some of us may feel that spilling the beans or letting it all out is unnecessary when the boat is safe and sound, I personally am the same sort of creature, why rock the boat I would say, but the past few days has actually got me thinking (extra time is dangerous!) all this hiding from yourself and not facing up to few facts would only bring one down emotionally, so here I am planning to tell u few things about my life…

1-Naveen- well well well! Here is a perfect example of high school drama, puppy love and fake friends!
Just like in all beautiful romantic high school musical shit movies my story has the hero (in this case Naveen; who also happens to be the asshole in the end), the leading lady (yea! That’s my cue) and the best friend (let’s call her Varsha). In this beautiful story about teenage love we have the backdrop of a school (a very noisy one!) the lady meets the guy, they become friends, the best friend is the new arrival in class, the lady and the friend become friends, the guy likes the lady, the lady likes the guy too, the best friend likes the guy, the lady leaves school goes to another city, the guy still says he likes her and then! Just when the lady is about to agree with the guy about how she likes him her best friend happens to call her up and tell her that the guy asked her out!
At 13, yes! That hurt!
Oh well! Varsha then got to know Naveen’s playboy antics and showed him the door and when poor little baby came back to his first love guess what she did?
Ok ok! I sort of took revenge in a sweeter way…
Varsha and me are still good friends and we have fun by making fun of Naveen whenever we can.

2- Hemant- aah! This is more recent, we sort of jumped on the bandwagon way too fast, we met, we flirted, and we fell in love (ok! I dunno attraction? Yea may be, but then please do remember, SHIT HAPPENS!). I really could never figure out what went wrong between us, may be there was never anything there… we just liked the idea of being together, so it all came to an end one fine day, without any warnings, no signals, just a dead end.
Can’t say I was devastated or anything in the beginning, but hell yeah! I was crushed, never showed it to anyone, just got involved with my friends, my life and all the important stuff to do, and I pushed this memory so far away that now it doesn’t feel like anything at all, just a period of my life when things were an illusion, and I am glad it’s over.

So that’s two things I hid from everyone, now that I say it out loud you may think there was nothing to it. But then I dunno why I had to hide it, may be because at one point it did mean something to me. Right now in life I have everything I could ask for and even more!
Am I happy? I am delighted! Just an occasional shadow here and there… a few cobwebs which need to be cleaned and I feel all new and fresh!
Confessions are a way of life.

*all names have been changed, except mine. I surprisingly am still Lavanya Snigdha.

The internet wasn't working...

Life seems to be so beautiful, so very perfect that even things which should be bothering me don’t anymore! Gosh! Thinking of that my daily itinerary should tell you how practically jobless I am.
9:30/10 – wake up.
11:00 – breakfast.
11:15 – look around the house/ see if my belongings are right where I left them last night.
11:17- think.
11:18- switch the comp on.
11:25 – bloody thing is finally on!
11: 27- get into gtalk.
11:28 – look around.
11:29 – get bored.
11:30- sign into the orkut account.
11:31 – get bored.
11:45 – sign out of gtalk and orkut.
11:46- curse a lot.
11:50- call a friend.
12:00- friend coming home goes get dressed.
12:15 – sitting.
12:17- this is the time when I look at the clock to know what the time is.
12:20 – friend comes home.
12:35- friend goes online.
12:36- thinks; did this person actually wanna come meet me?
12: 40 – kicks friend out of the house.
12:41 – mom kicks me out!

I actually don’t remember what I do for the rest of the day but I sure get entertained! Most of it means I am walking around on the streets with my two equally jobless friends, making fun of everyone and everything we see. Then later on in the afternoon we somehow manage to squeeze in an hour for lunch and then head to the movies.
The evenings are purely meant for intellectual talks! So am pretty busy then. Then its time for more walking and talking and going in to the book store and looking at guys, and a little more talking and finally! I’m home!!! It’s around 9 by then.

9:30- dinner.
TV time!!!
11:15- go online.
2:15 – feel tired and exhausted and sleepy.
2:30- go to sleep.

And if you guys are wondering where in this busy schedule did I find the time to write all this? Well the internet isn’t working today. And my friend is late…