Monday, October 20, 2008
What is this ghost which threatens our conscious? Why do we have to hide it away in the attics of memory and try to forget it forever? Why should we do anything which would allow itself to turn into our Achilles’ heel? After all every fear is a weakness and every weakness our personal enemy.
So where does this feeling of guilt, regret, or sorrow come from? Is it unconscious acceptance of your conscious mistakes? Well how do we cope up with these tiny little issues? I think a good way is by letting it all out! Write a song, an article (like I am trying to) paint something which would represent your past and would thus make it an attic outside your memory frame.
Some of us may feel that spilling the beans or letting it all out is unnecessary when the boat is safe and sound, I personally am the same sort of creature, why rock the boat I would say, but the past few days has actually got me thinking (extra time is dangerous!) all this hiding from yourself and not facing up to few facts would only bring one down emotionally, so here I am planning to tell u few things about my life…
1-Naveen- well well well! Here is a perfect example of high school drama, puppy love and fake friends!
Just like in all beautiful romantic high school musical shit movies my story has the hero (in this case Naveen; who also happens to be the asshole in the end), the leading lady (yea! That’s my cue) and the best friend (let’s call her Varsha). In this beautiful story about teenage love we have the backdrop of a school (a very noisy one!) the lady meets the guy, they become friends, the best friend is the new arrival in class, the lady and the friend become friends, the guy likes the lady, the lady likes the guy too, the best friend likes the guy, the lady leaves school goes to another city, the guy still says he likes her and then! Just when the lady is about to agree with the guy about how she likes him her best friend happens to call her up and tell her that the guy asked her out!
At 13, yes! That hurt!
Oh well! Varsha then got to know Naveen’s playboy antics and showed him the door and when poor little baby came back to his first love guess what she did?
Ok ok! I sort of took revenge in a sweeter way…
Varsha and me are still good friends and we have fun by making fun of Naveen whenever we can.
2- Hemant- aah! This is more recent, we sort of jumped on the bandwagon way too fast, we met, we flirted, and we fell in love (ok! I dunno attraction? Yea may be, but then please do remember, SHIT HAPPENS!). I really could never figure out what went wrong between us, may be there was never anything there… we just liked the idea of being together, so it all came to an end one fine day, without any warnings, no signals, just a dead end.
Can’t say I was devastated or anything in the beginning, but hell yeah! I was crushed, never showed it to anyone, just got involved with my friends, my life and all the important stuff to do, and I pushed this memory so far away that now it doesn’t feel like anything at all, just a period of my life when things were an illusion, and I am glad it’s over.
So that’s two things I hid from everyone, now that I say it out loud you may think there was nothing to it. But then I dunno why I had to hide it, may be because at one point it did mean something to me. Right now in life I have everything I could ask for and even more!
Am I happy? I am delighted! Just an occasional shadow here and there… a few cobwebs which need to be cleaned and I feel all new and fresh!
Confessions are a way of life.
*all names have been changed, except mine. I surprisingly am still Lavanya Snigdha.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
9:30/10 – wake up.
11:00 – breakfast.
11:15 – look around the house/ see if my belongings are right where I left them last night.
11:18- switch the comp on.
11:25 – bloody thing is finally on!
11: 27- get into gtalk.
11:28 – look around.
11:29 – get bored.
11:30- sign into the orkut account.
11:31 – get bored.
11:45 – sign out of gtalk and orkut.
11:46- curse a lot.
11:50- call a friend.
12:00- friend coming home goes get dressed.
12:15 – sitting.
12:17- this is the time when I look at the clock to know what the time is.
12:20 – friend comes home.
12:35- friend goes online.
12:36- thinks; did this person actually wanna come meet me?
12: 40 – kicks friend out of the house.
12:41 – mom kicks me out!
I actually don’t remember what I do for the rest of the day but I sure get entertained! Most of it means I am walking around on the streets with my two equally jobless friends, making fun of everyone and everything we see. Then later on in the afternoon we somehow manage to squeeze in an hour for lunch and then head to the movies.
The evenings are purely meant for intellectual talks! So am pretty busy then. Then its time for more walking and talking and going in to the book store and looking at guys, and a little more talking and finally! I’m home!!! It’s around 9 by then.
11:15- go online.
2:15 – feel tired and exhausted and sleepy.
2:30- go to sleep.
And if you guys are wondering where in this busy schedule did I find the time to write all this? Well the internet isn’t working today. And my friend is late…
Thursday, October 16, 2008
“I think therefore I am” was coined by the mathematician Descartes, but where does thinking take us, I don mean the common sense and thinking about daily stuff, where does thinking about deeper meanings in life and general philosophies of life take us. Does it really give us satisfaction, I have considered myself an avid thinker all my life (at least from the age of 12), I used to write a lot and it liberated me, and the knowledge of why most things happen and the satisfaction of my perspective to life was fulfilling and life was great. But as you grow you have a lot of life experiences which makes you think deeper and finally I have come to realize that life isn’t fair and whatever the system, God or even if we are inside the matrix, is not fair, I have given a lot of thought to it, but since life is not fair where does it take us, what should we believe in?
This is a question which I haven’t had an answer to, once we realize human folly and the materialism of the world, we go into the downward spiral of pessimism, and it is damn hard to get out of that, and how did I reach this conclusion because I think, so thinking has made me lose hope in life and us as a species.
Why is emotional pain more than physical pain? Scientifically physical pain has reasons, but how do we measure emotional pain and loss, we can say that physical injuries heal and most of the emotional injuries only heal after a period of time. Even if we have a scar we don’t feel pain, but on sight of that scar we experience the pain that we went through, its our memories that is holding us back, so it would be ideal if we could wake up each day and live as if nothing bad has happened…its easier said than done
Yesterday afternoon, I went to the beach alone (ive been blessed to live in a place where there are beautiful beaches), I jus sat there for a while, n started thinking, suddenly I felt lik running into the water, the weather was cloudy, the water looked a beautiful shade of green-blue and I dived in with my tee and jeans on, the dozen or so people on the beach must have thought I was crazy, I jus didn care, I laughed to myself, kicked the sand, started swimming, ridin the waves till one really knocked the wind out of me, but I was so happy, I didn’t have a care in the world, it was an exhilarating experience, after I came out, people were smiling, not laughing coz somehow I infused some happiness in their life by my antics. Then went and picked up my mother from the airport, she was really shocked and didn’t even say a word, coz it didn matter.In these fleeting moments I find real happiness, where I enjoy the simple things in life, when I did not think, its gave me hope, always rejoice and marvel at the audacity of hope….its all we need
Carter says “scribbling.” “Scribbling what?” “oh nothing just scribbling” he says, and that line actually got me thinking; there are thousands of times in a week when I would want to write something down, something I would feel like telling people, but I never do that, why? I dunno. Its not like I don’t have the time, god forsake! But I know I have more time than anyone in the whole world… but then do I ever put it to proper use? The truthful answer, no.
Then I start thinking, what is writing to me? Why is it that whenever I think of something there’s an urgent need or rather a want to write things down? I think it fills up the void in me, I feel like my existence is rather, let me use the term, primary.
I have basic needs and I feel like all I do in my life is to fulfill them and do nothing in order to get what I want. The truth is when I write I feel complete, I feel like there is something worthwhile that I actually do, but then why don’t I when I know that I should be doing it? That again is something I could never understand about myself.
The need to express your thoughts should never die, not in a human at least, what then would differentiate us from an inanimate object?
Paulo Coelho in his book The Witch of Portobello says a human to tap his true potential and inner self needs to be able to concentrate on a task completely and should also be able to fill the blank void in between, the void in which one could think of unnecessary things. My life feels like that void, but when I do write, its objective all of a sudden, it’s as though I am filling my purposeless existence with a reason to go on.
To write is to look into myself, to search deeper, because being able to give words to your thoughts, is to give meaning to one’s soul, one’s living. I see people everyday who would say to me, “why do you waste your time thinking of such useless things?”
Surprisingly all I can do is laugh at them, I think to myself, “if only people realized what they could achieve by diving deep into themselves.”
So today all I do is try to put my thoughts out, its an outburst, a revolt against all I did till today, its to say I need words to fill my life, give them to me, and give me the power to fill the void when I want to.
To whom I say this, I do not know, all I wish is that I can satisfy it.
There are times of sudden insight that every person gets once in a while, and I should think that is when actually a person is truthful to themselves, these moments should give u happiness as to who you are what you do, but why do I feel hollow?
There’s this strange sort of emptiness within me. I have everything I need, but then there’s this restlessness inside me which is slowly eating me away, how do I pull myself out of this mess? Out of this whole lack of understanding of myself?
I should think the answer to that is the the most difficult task ever, which is to write. When one writes he needs to bring in meaning to every word he puts on paper, every word needs to shower enough meaning on to his thoughts so that what he wants to say has value.
Meaning is what I truly need, and this is the lock that I have been dying to destroy, and strangely, there’s this lightness I feel and I think I just lost a stone which was drowning me.
Search is a way of life.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Looking for a place I never had
Feeling such a loss
Pain is all I have
What is in my mind
No one ever knows
Such a lonely place
Is there anything left
All the memories
The feelings I had
Is it just a lie
Why so numb
When the heart is yearning
Can I just go
Live in tears
When can I live
Am I always awake
Living in delusions
Something's holding me
Embrace a new light
Something left to do
That is not me
Sirens blaring in my head
The fire consumes all
The moral dilemma
Can I walk away
Standing here alone
Lighting is all I can hope for
Like there is no love,
lost between us.
Nothing to end this torment,
nothing to ease the pain.
I see an invisible wall built
No tongue to my feelings,
A mute witness
to the drama of fate...
Times were when
I was with you,
And you made me feel whole.
Every moment spent
with you, my love,
is worth far more
than the price of life itself...
I know not what happened,
I know not the way,
for i walk in the dark
without your light
to lead me on,
here i stumble,
and then i pray...
Too many things have happened,
There is no looking back.
For seldom have i seen this,
lonelier than hade's crack.
I wish to be whole again,
never so incomplete,
but without your Midas touch
To be so, is asking too much...
You will not be mine,
for now, or forever.
To hope so, would be
my mistake, but my love
I choose to hope
and keep it burning until
my life, i give up.
For what better way is there
to say goodbye,
than with your name on my lips
And a final wishful sigh...
Saturday, October 11, 2008
as am i
my eternal love for the night
might never die
The clock's gone beyond 12,
i'm beginning to feel like myself
I pace my room over and over
embracing the peace,loving myself
I'll never wish i was somebody else
for i just too much love myself
as long as i have with me
the love of the night
the spirit in my heart
and the love for myself
will never die